Julie's Poems

Little Girl

Let me tell you my story
Of my mental fury
It is my pilgrimage
I was born in a village
Isolated to the outside world
My mother’s tiny hands
Holding me without a glance

I was told prior to my existence
A little girl should have been born
If that was the case
I would not have existed
None of this would even matter
That my life has been shattered

I should be grateful
I am here
I have always been different
Ever since I can remember
I often question my life’s purpose
I am not oppose
If I am suppose
To be helpful
To someone that could be
Just like me

I often think of the little girl
Would she be opposite of me
With her hair long and in a curl
Would she be strong?
And can do no wrong
Would she be a success in life?
And be a savior of Christ

I would never know
Of what it could have been
But I have seen
What it is like to be forsaken







Shout it Out

I look around and see the normal faces
I look to the mirror and see myself
And wish I were at different places
I look just like the others
Only I am not like them
Full of fun and laughter
While I’m mute and feeling not bothered

They look at me strangely
I pretend to not care
I am scared
Of becoming ghostly

I want to shout it out
The words simply won’t come
That I mattered to some
I want to be loved
Only to be shoved

Just for one day
Whatever the price to pay
I want to do the simple things
Of having friends
And enjoy social conversations
Of having a boyfriend
To feel the tingling sensations
Is this so much to ask?
For you to grant me this simple task

I look at the world
Upside down
I ask myself why me
But all I get is a nod and a frown
You simply do not see
The woman I am
I only feel blame and shame
Of the wishes that never came

I want to shout it out
The words simply won’t come
That I mattered to some
I want to be loved
Only to be shoved

This life is unforgiving
Of false hopes and dreams
But I must go on living
And not let the mental screams
Take over my misgivings

I want to shout it out
The words simply won’t come
That I mattered to some
I want to be loved
Only to be shoved



































Nobody/Somebody

To my family, I am somebody
To the outside world, I am nobody
I am like the dust
Slowly being swept away
My life is a farce
Gradually being delayed

I have emotions and feelings
No one seems to care
Of my whole being
But I am aware
Of what is says
Behind the whispers and stares

I have a lot to say
Only it is being concealed
I am speaking
But no one is listening
All I am seeking
Is a bit of attention
Their annoyance to my voice
Only provides nothing but tension

I want to be somebody
So I am admire and adore
I want to leave a mark
That is for sure
But life is an ocean of sharks
In this lonely world of ours
That is not pure

Time passes everyday
For me it stands still
I have no place to go
No place to see
Nothing to show
Of what I can be

I am like the scattered cloud
Slowly being drifted away
But I am proud
My mind is not in disarray
They do not know
In my mind
I am somebody
Not a nobody












































Forgiveness

She is my mother
The woman I hate
Sometimes love
For I am born
Without faith

She treats me differently
With lack of emotion
All I want is her love
But there is so much friction
I turn inward
My mind starts to wander away
There is nothing for me
To forge forward

I have brothers and sisters
Whom I love
Sometimes envy
They are savvy
I know I cannot compare
But I am in despair
Our mother loves them more
My heart is cut deep to the core

I am a lonely child
Now an adult
Still longing for acceptance and affection
For my mother
Does not see me as perfection

I have put aside
What has not been said
I have been living on the outside
I am no longer mad
My mother did what she could
I do not fault her
Perhaps I should

Forgiveness is a choice
I have a voice
I love my mother
She is like no other


Imagine

I often ask myself
Why was I born?
I am not wanted
I feel so forlorn
Is this all in my head?
Should I put this thinking to bed?

I cannot help myself
But wish I am somebody else
I have no skills
Nor education
But I have the will
To continue to function

I long for fame and glory
I imagine I am in a story
A beautiful princess in the tower
Being rescued by a prince
In his hands are wild flowers

I imagine I am a rock star
With an entourage
An actress with diamonds galore
Where the men look on and beg for more

I imagine I am a teacher
Smart and respected
Little children looking on
Full of wonder
They are a gift
For me to shoulder
It is unexpected
I am their future

I am awaken by reality
I am back in my shell
Life is so full of cruelty
I do not want to fail
Of what tomorrow may come
Perhaps it is meant to be
That I’m not welcome
Of being someone other than me


Darkness

I am falling deeper into an abyss
The emptiness is pulling me down
I made a mental list
I no longer have the will
To go on and pretend I exist

Darkness is all around me
I see black, sometimes red
I feel I am having a panic attack
This is bad
I must not forget
I am sane
And not insane

There is a tug of war
Inside my head
It feels like a constant chore
A voice here, a voice there
Telling me I matter
Yet another telling me to scatter
I feel I am being battered

I am torn into pieces
With no end in sight
I lie awake at night
Pleading with the Mighty himself
To give me a sense of relief
For me to believe
The future is not bleak
That I am not reaching the end of my peak

Perhaps it is a dream
It seams
When morning came
The darkness dissipates
My head is tame
Once again I anticipate
What is to follow of tomorrow?
Life is not so shallow

I need to remember
I am surrounded by love ones
They are the chamber
Of my heart
I owe them a ton
For drawing me out












































Letting Go

I know I am not perfect
The low self-esteem will remain
It is the effect
Of knowing
That will make me refrain
From going down the drain

I am letting go of the hate
And the longings for love and acceptance
My mind needs to be cleared
This could be my ultimate fate
To end my fear
Hope is near
It is time to no longer bear

I need to learn to care for myself
I need to love me
And no one else
Only then will my life
Be turned around
And not be upside down

I no longer see black or red
I see flowers instead
I see birds and butterflies
I look up to the sky
I no longer ask why

I am free in my mind
Like the wind flowing by
There is quiet peace
I am finally at ease

My life has been sad
But I am glad
I am no longer on the defense
I am on the offense
I have a second chance
To have a life balance





Looking Ahead

I see a different light
Everything seems bright
I can take a deep breath
I close my eyes
I am no longer under ocean tides

I have been misguided
As a child
To a teenager
To an adult
It has been decided
None of it was my fault

It has been a journey
Of trying times and memories
But I have survived
With an attitude that is not to be denied
My heart is fuller
My mind is sharper
My outlook seems brighter

My ghostly face
Has been replaced
With a reddish glow
Like the clear water
Of the river flow

The curve of my lips
Forms a smile
I am no longer on trial
The melancholy eyes
I once had
Are now dead

I am looking ahead
For a better tomorrow
I no longer feel sorrow
The pain has lessened
But it has not been forgotten